The Best BitLeena Fic EVAR
by Aardwulf
Summary: Eveything the title promises and more! Includes a Mildly Obscure Music Reference, rampant OOCness, Harry bashing, intrusive author's notes, and more snark than you can shake a stick at! Don't make baby Jesus cry: read and review!


DISCLAIMER I do not own anything associated with "Zoids". No profit is sought with the distribution of this story, and no infringement of copyright is intended or should be inferred. Not for use as a flotation device.

A/N: I started writing this in response to one of Rocke's fanfic challenges on the Zoids Evolution forums, uh...last year sometime...which basically amounted to "Take any fanon Zoid pairing and make it as cliche'd as humanly possible." Then the board died, but I had this sitting around half-written, so I figured I may as well finish it and show it off. Enjoy.

> > >

It was a typical day at the base. The Blitz Team were doing the things they usually did, since it was absolutely inconceivable that they might have any hobbies aside from the things we've all seen them do before: Brad was drinking coffee, Jamie was folding laundry, the Doc was playing with some Zoid model or another, and Bit was fleeing from Leena, whose giant frosted sugar cookie he'd stolen and was threatening to messily devour.

"BIT! If you don't give that back this instant, you're _dead meat_!" Leena screamed as she thundered down the hall after him. Listening to his taunts and laughing, though, foreign emotions surged within her bosom, causing her girlish heart to flutter. _Every time he steals some of my food,_ she thought, rounding the corner into the den, _it's like he's...he's stealing a piece of my heart!_

Bit pranced through the den with Leena's cookie in hand, cackling. I would like to pause here just to give you all time to think about Bit prancing. There, that's enough. He dodged her lunges, jumping onto the sofa and over Jamie, who squawked in protest as his precious laundry was upset, leaped to the floor again and dashed back through the door. Brad said nothing, since he's cool and aloof and to say anything in response to such childish behaviour would detract from his bad-ass aura. Doc said something goofy and clichéd, but I can't be bothered to mention exactly what it was. It didn't matter, anyway, because Doc is _old_, and old people never say anything interesting.

Okay, back to the young, attractive, interesting people now.

"Come and get me!" Bit shouted over his shoulder at the enraged Leena, waving the cookie tauntingly behind him. His stomach did flip-flops as he ran throughout the base, a giddy dance of anticipation in the squishy depths of his abdominal cavity. Of course he didn't really want Leena to catch him...or did he?

No time to think about that now; Leena was gaining fast. He darted down the hallway towards the bedrooms, having no real idea what he was going to do afterwards; he certainly didn't want to lead Leena into his bedroom and be cornered there.

_Or did he?_

An angry shriek behind him made him whirl around, predictably enough, just in time to see Leena launching herself off the ground at him. Bit let loose with a yell of surprise but before he could face forward again, Leena was on top of him, pinning him to the floor of the hall. Bit lay stunned for a moment, the wind knocked out of him but Leena's cookie still clutched tightly in his hand.

They lay in that position for some little time, strangely unable to keep from staring into each other's eyes. Bit had a curious appeal to him when he was fearing for his life, Leena reflected, drinking deeply of the way his brilliant green orbs shone with terror. Bit, for his part, was noticing, seemingly for the first time, how attractive Leena was when she was all worked up over something, with her bright violet eyes glittering, her cheeks flushed with exertion, and her (rather inappropriately ample) bosom heaving.

At that moment something beautiful and wonderful and shiny and miraculous was born between the two youths, something that many of us look for our entire lives but never find – and no, I'm not talking about affordable but comprehensive health care coverage. I'm talking, of course, about love, beautiful pure romantic true love which we all know is the only kind that blossoming teenagers ever feel for each other, completely untainted by physical lust until the time comes for an awkward and anatomically-impossible lemon to be written about them.

They stared into each other's eyes a little longer, and stared a bit more, and stared and stared and stared, for no real logical reason. Then, on some unspoken command, Leena tipped her head down and Bit reached up, their lips drawing closer and closer together, only scant centimetres apart now...

And suddenly the sound of approaching footsteps reached them. D'oh! Teammate Interruptus! In a panic, Bit and Leena scrambled to disentangle themselves, lest they be caught in a compromising position together, and Bit _accidentally _planted his hand on Leena's breast in an attempt to push himself away, and Leena _also accidentally_ kneed Bit in the groin as she tried to stand up. Take that, Bit, you inadvertent pervert.

Jamie rounded the corner with a basket full of laundry, finding nothing out of the ordinary, except maybe the fact that Bit was maintaining the hunched, awkward posture of one who has just suffered severe groinal trauma and kind of holding himself. Jamie tried not to look, because let's face it, you really don't want to see your coworkers doing that sort of thing.

"I was bringing your laundry," Jamie explained helpfully. "Since you're here, you guys can take it to your own rooms, right? Thanks." And, after piling the clean and folded laundry into their arms, he wandered off again, having fulfilled his duty of helping to maintain the level of unrequited sexual tension. Buh-bye, Plot Device Jamie.

Bit and Leena stood in awkward silence for another minute or so, a silence eventually broken by Leena, unsurprisingly. She gave Bit a half-hearted glare, snatched the cookie from his hand and told him, "Yeah, well...there'll be worse if I ever catch you stealing my food again," before turning and stomping off to her room.

Bit hobbled to his own quarters, dumped his laundry in the middle of the floor, and flopped down on his bed, reaching over to switch on the radio. Now about this point in most fics of this nature, you'd see the lyrics of some trashy pop song the author really really likes that just _happens _to express the emotions of the characters involved, but since I can't bring myself to do that, Bit found himself listening to Bruce Springsteen going on about how life in his hometown sucked because there was no work and the unions were on strike and he'd just gotten his girlfriend pregnant. The Boss is depressing, kids.

Still, Bit found himself wondering what he'd do if he were in that situation. What if he had a girlfriend and she got knocked up? Wow, that would be freaky. But wait, no, being the plucky anime hero that he was, and this being a stupid clichéd fic, that'd be really cool! No _way _would he even consider walking out on the girl and her soon-to-be hellspawn, the way most men would! He may have only been sixteen or some other equally improbable age, but he was definitely ready to take responsibility for another tiny human being that would depend upon him and its mother, completely and utterly, and take up their every waking moment with its constant demands for attention. Sure, that'd be easy, just like those teen moms on Montel Williams always said!

He started daydreaming about his as-yet unconceived future offspring. He bet the kid would be a great pilot, just like him, and that any child of his would get along great with the Liger Zero. He wondered if it would look like him, too. Yeah, it'd have his eyes and Leena's hair, and - whoa, wait a sec, where had _that _come from? Leena? He didn't wanna have a baby with Leena! He didn't even wanna get nekkid with Leena and engage in wild, unconstrained, passionate activities with Leena that would inevitably lead to having babies! Nuh-uh, not one little bit! He did _not _love Leena!

_...OR DID HE?..._

_ > > >_

An indeterminate period of time passed. Nothing really important happened involving Bit or Leena. Oh, Brad and Jamie and the Doc might have done some interesting things, but this story isn't about them, so nothing they do or say matters. Anyway, Leena was in the hangar, doing...something...with those - uh, you know, those big pointy shiny things that are kind of tangentially related to the _Zoids_ series? - oh, yeah, the Zoids. Leena was tuning up her Gunsniper, which was happy to have even been mentioned in a clichéd Zoids romance fic.

Actually, she was just finishing up, so the Gunsniper was about to be abandoned in the hangar again after nothing more than a passing mention. That made it sad. Oh well! As Leena was putting away her toolbox and getting ready to head back inside, she heard a scuffling noise coming from somewhere across the hangar. Suddenly, a door on the other side of the room flew open, and through it came Harry Champ, whom we all hate and despise for no real reason.

"Leena! My honey!" Harry cried upon seeing her. "It feels like forever since I last saw you! The world has been such a dark, joyless place without you...why, coming through that door into the warmth of your radiance has been a breath of fresh air!"

"That's probably because that door leads into the supply closet, Harry," said Leena.

"Oh," said Harry. "That explains why the dark joylessness smelled like mothballs and toilet cleanser." God, isn't Harry a moron? Harry's so stupid, if it started raining soup, he'd fetch a fork. Harry's so stupid, if you said, "Look, a dead bird!" he'd probably say "Where?" and look up at the sky. Harry's so stupid, he probably confuses dissociative identity disorder with schizophrenia. I can say all this because Harry poses a threat to the pairing I happen to be endorsing in this particular fanfic, regardless of what he says or does in canon.

Okay. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Harry just said something stupid. Leena rolled her eyes (as would _anyone _in the presence of such staggering idiocy as that espoused by Harry Champ. Like, duh!) and said, "That's nice, Harry. If you'll excuse me, I've got...stuff to do. See you later."

"Wait!" cried Harry. "Leena, I came here today because I have something very important I'd like to ask you."

"The bathrooms are down the hall and to the left," Leena interrupted him.

"No! I mean, that's very helpful, but that's not what I was going to say," Harry said. He swallowed audibly, and squaring his shoulders, stammered out, "Leena, would you - w-would you...go steady with me?"

"What?" Leena responded, genuinely confused. _Go steady?_ Was that some archaic terminology people used back in the old days, before they had DVD players and they all sat around listening to Glass Tiger albums and drinking New Coke and playing with their Atari 2600's? Whatever. "Look, Harry, I've told you before - I'm not interested in being your girlfriend. Get over it already. Now go home, you're giving me a headache." Yeah! That's telling that stupid dumbhead, Leena! Girl power and all that crap!

"Oh, I don't think so, Leena." With a gasp, Leena looked up. Harry's eyes had changed, their normally earnest expression now filled with ugly possessiveness. His voice was low-pitched, laced with a dangerous undertone. "Sooner or later, you'll learn that you belong to me. I'll make you love me, Leena!" And he reached for Leena's hand.

Leena was frozen with horror, unable to move. She couldn't believe this was happening! Harry was going to - going to _hold her hand! _And she was completely powerless to do anything about it! With a whimper of terror, Leena glanced to all sides, hoping and praying that someone would come rescue her. She was just a helpless little girl! She couldn't _possibly _defend herself from the predations of a horrible, dirty _man!_

Closer and closer Harry's hand came, closing the distance with awful deliberation. Tears filled Leena's eyes and she found herself silently crying out for the one man she knew could protect her from Harry...

"What's going on down here?" a thunderous voice demanded. Harry glanced up, startled, his hand halting mid-reach. Leena looked towards the doorway, her teary eyes now filled with hope. There, framed by the doorway and handsomely backlit by light from the hall, was Bit Cloud, arms akimbo, feet firmly planted and his illuminated hair framing his head like a halo of righteous justice. He looked strong, unshakable, and damn, _damn_ sexy.

Fear crossed Harry's features for a fleeting moment, to be quickly replaced by an ugly sneer. "Get lost, Bit! This is no concern of yours!"

"When it involves Leena, it _is _my concern!" Bit announced, starting down the short flight of steps into the hangar. "Now get away from her!"

"Why don't you come down here and make me?" Harry taunted.

With one mighty leap, Bit had cleared the distance between the doorway and Harry. Before Harry could even react, Bit had delivered a sound punch to Harry's face that sent the other man (or boy, or whatever - how old are these people, anyway?) flying across the hangar to slam into the large bay door, leaving a vaguely Harry-shaped indentation. Harry slumped to the floor, dazed. He painfully climbed to his feet, looking up to see Bit standing menacingly over him.

"This is your last warning," Bit said. "Run, Harry. Run away and never return!"

Harry limped away, casting hateful glares over his shoulder. "You haven't seen the last of me, Cloud!" he swore, and made his exit. Well, after fumbling around with the doorknob for a few minutes, 'cause he's, you know, stupid.

When he was sure that Harry was safely gone, Bit turned to Leena. "Are you okay?" he asked gently.

Leena's lower lip began to tremble violently, and she knew she couldn't hold back any longer. "Oh, Bit!" she sobbed, and threw herself into his strong manly arms. Bit gathered her into a tender but manly embrace, folding her to his wide strapping manly chest as Leena sobbed into his shirt like the weak pathetic defenceless little woman she was.

"B-Bit," she blubbered, "when he - I just - I hoped that - "

He silenced her by placing a finger to her lips in that patronising way

men have of shushing overly-emotional women so they can dispense some cool-headed masculine wisdom. "Shhh," Bit soothed her. "It's all right. I'm here to protect you. Harry can't hurt you any more."

Leena sniffled and wiped her eyes. "Bit," she choked, "I have something to tell you. I-I'm in love with you. I have been since the very first day we met, but I...I deluded myself because I was so terribly afraid you wouldn't return my feelings."

"Leena..." Bit's eyes shone with passion. Sappy-love-passion, not icky testosterone-laden lusty passion. Eewzies! "I'm so glad...so glad you feel that way...because it's just the way I feel about you."

"Oh, Bit!"

"Leena!"

Unable to contain themselves any longer, the pair mashed their faces together, engaging in some passionate flaming liplock. With the power of Twu Wuv's first kiss, the earth shook, the skies trembled and the stars danced as rosy-cheeked cherubs shot heart-shaped arrows that burst into showers of rose petals and flocks of doves soared through the air. When at last they parted, after a moment that seemed to last a glorious eternity, they looked up to see their teammates rushing into the hangar.

"What's going on in here?" Doc exclaimed. "I heard a ruckus!"

Bit and Leena exchanged a glance. "Dad, we have something to tell you," Leena said. "Bit and I are in love, and it's very probable that we're going to get married and have adorable children."

"That's great," Brad said, as Naomi emerged from nowhere to take his hand. "I'm sure you two will be very happy together, just like Naomi and I."

Pierce, too, materialised through a plot hole to stand beside Jamie, completing the Unholy Trinity of het Zoids pairings. "And I'm sure you'll have fantastically great sex when the time comes, just as we will as soon as Jamie's legal," she said.

"This is the greatest thing a father could hope for!" cried the Doc. "Not only do you obviously love my daughter, you'll still be around to earn me money!" Doc was happy even though he didn't have anybody to warm his bed at night. Besides, nobody wants to think about Doc doing that kind of thing anyway. I mean, in twenty-seven years he'll be eligible for Social Security. God, old people are _gross._

In the background, Liger grumbled and the Gunsniper creeled unhappily. It was no fun being a Zoid in a cliched Zoids romance fic.

> > >

"LEENA!"

Bit charged through the corridors of the hospital, careening around corners and desperately calling out for his beloved. And no, since this is a clichéd Zoids fic, that doesn't mean the Liger. When Bit had heard Leena was in the hospital, he'd come as quickly as he could; he just hoped he wasn't too late...

Finally, he located her room, and with his heart in his mouth, he stepped inside.

Leena was sitting up in her bed, a small blanket-wrapped bundle cradled in her arms. She looked up at Bit's approach, her face breaking into a tired smile. "I'm so glad you made it," she said softly as Bit came to stand beside the bed. "Say hello to your son."

Bit stared in awe at the tiny new life nestled against Leena's chest. The baby opened brilliant green eyes to stare up at Bit, a dishevelled fuzz of fuschia-coloured hair adorning its head. Although it clashed horribly, to Bit it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Tears filled his eyes as he bent to place a kiss on his son's head.

"This is the second happiest day of my life," he said softly.

"The second happiest?" Leena repeated, her smile faltering a little. "What was the first?"

Bit smiled tenderly and took Leena's hand, looking deeply into her eyes. "The day I met you," he said, and they shared a passionate, beautiful kiss.

> > >

Bit awoke with a scream fit to shift the earth's tectonic plates.

Wild-eyed, he bolted upright in bed, heart pounding, breath coming in ragged gasps. He'd never had such a ghastly nightmare before!

Footsteps pounded down the hallway, and the bedroom door swooshed open. "What's going on?" Doc exclaimed. He was carrying a cricket bat for protection, just in case whatever it was that had made Bit scream might have had its fill of tender blonde flesh and wanted to move on to choicer game.

Bit stared, trembling, at his teammates, and managed to choke out, "Hor-horrible dream...made babies...with Leena..."

Brad chuffed and threw up his hands, one of which held a semiautomatic. "Again?" he said, clearly disgusted. "I'm going back to bed."

Jamie muttered something unintelligible and followed Brad down the hall. He had no weapon, having intended to flee while the intruder was busy dispatching the rest of the team, if it came down to it.

"Geez, Bit," Leena snarled, running a hand through her hair. She didn't have a weapon either, save her own violent temper and wildly fluctuating hormone levels, which, I can assure you, is nothing to sneeze at. "Just wake us all up for no reason, why don't you? Pansy." And she, too, stalked off to her bedroom.

Left alone in his quarters once again, Bit pulled the covers up to his chin, still shaking in his sheets. After a dream like that, sleep wasn't going to come easily, he was sure.

fin-


End file.
